In Memoriam of Sega Dreamcast

During that brief period of my life after I had become bored with my Nintendo 64 and before I received the Nintendo Gamecube for Christmas in 2001, I spent most of my time playing with the Sega Dreamcast. I found the Dreamcast offered a good array of entertaining video games and I was very disappointed to hear that they were going to stop selling the system in America in March of 2001, though production would continue in Japan until 2006.

Sega introduced the Dreamcast in 1998 and it was widely heralded as being ahead of its time. It superceded the Playstation 2 by a year and a half and the Gamecube by 3 years, pioneering into previously unexplored gaming enterprises, such as being the first to include internet capabilities directly into the console itself.

The good people at Sega desparately needed to release a new console that would help the public forget about the disgrace that was the Sega Saturn. Prior to the Dreamcast's release in the US, Sega spent tons of money campaigning for the new system, using the tagline, "it's thinking." This was meant to convince the consumers that the system would be so advanced it would nearly have a mind of its own.

The buzz surrounding the system's announcement was so strong that upon its release Sega was unable to meet the demands of all the advanced orders. On the day of its launch, the Dreamcast brought in a whopping $98.4 million. Four days later, that total would reach $132 million, with 372,000 units being sold. Sega realized one of its biggest mistakes from the Sega Saturn was not having good enough games available at the system's release, leaving gamers with a new system but no games to play on it. As a solution to this problem they took extra care to market their top games prior to the Dreamcast's release. Games such as Sonic Adventure, Power Stone, and Soul Caliber were all previewed in stores long before the Dreamcast launched, giving consumers more reason to look forward to its release.

The system faced some challenges right from the get-go, such as the loss of its partnership with EA games. EA is a company that creates the most popular sports games, such as the cash cow Madden Football games. EA had brought its genius to Sega in the past, producing games for the original Sega console and the Sega Saturn. However, the Saturn did so poorly that EA decided not to work with Sega in the future because it just wasn't profitable enough for the company. Sega was left with no choice but to go its own way in the sports game market and created 2K sports, releasing games such as MLB 2K and NFL 2K. Boasting a better graphics engine than its competition at the time, Dreamcast's NFL 2K1 actually outsold Madden 2K1 during the fall of 2000, selling a total of 410,000 units.


Some features that I loved about the Dreamcast were the pressure-sensitive right and left triggers, which came in handy during racing games, and the memory card that had a little screen on it so it could either act as an extension of the controller or could work independently of the system, sort of like a Tamagochi. The memory card was used in games such as NFL 2K1 to pick your plays so your opponent could not watch your screen and see what play you were choosing. Little things like this were what made the Dreamcast so great.




It's a two-way tie for my favorite game on Dreamcast. It's really a toss-up between Sonic Adventure 2 and Shenmue.

The one I spent the most time playing was easily Sonic Adventure 2. Sonic was always my favorite character as a kid (he and Mario were always neck and neck, of course) and the ability to play as him in an expansive 3D world, running at the speed of sound through beautiful landscapes, while also being able to play as his buddies Tails and Knuckles and even his enemies Shadow, Rouge the Bat, and Dr. Eggman, was all it would have taken to make me crazy about the game. The game didn't stop there, however, as it introduced mini games to keep you occupied even when you weren't sitting in front of the television. You could upload your pet Chao from the game onto the memory card and carry it around with you, feeding it, playing with it, and watching it grow (this is the Tamagochi reference I was talking about up there). You did this because once you plugged the memory card back into the controller and downloaded your Chao back into the game, it would be bigger, faster, and stronger, which meant it was easier to win the mini games and earn yourself some prizes.

Shenmue is a game that I don't think too many people know about, but I have learned that it has picked up something of a cult following. Shenmue is a FREE adventure game, meaning you walk around at your leisure and the game doesn't progress until you choose to make it. You play as Yu Suzuki and after watching your father get killed by a rival gang leader, you make it your duty to track down the killer and get revenge. The game is reality-based, which means your character eats and sleeps, the sun rises and sets as the day progress, and interaction between characters is very instrumental in the game's progression. It's funny that a game like this could be so entertaining, especially when you consider you spend most of your time simply walking around exploring, and you even have to get a part-time job working at a shipping yard. That's right, a game that spends a good portion of the playing time making you work a 9-5 shift carrying crates at a shipping yard is loads of fun.


I remember how upset I was to find out that they were going to stop producing games for the Dreamcast (although, to be honest, I got over the loss very quickly when the Gamecube came out and I discovered Super Smash Bros. Melee). For whatever reason, the Dreamcast could not keep its head above water once the Playstation 2 was announced. With sales waning, Sega decided to lower the prices of the Dreamcast in hopes of drumming up interest, but the shiny new Playstation 2's advanced graphics and DVD compatibilities seemed to be too much for Sega to handle. To add insult to injury, the announcements of Microsoft's forthcoming X Box and Nintendo's rumored Gamecube put clouds of doubt into the minds of people in the gaming industry whether or not Sega could possibly keep up with all this new competition. By early 2001, game produced had jumped ship from the USS Dreamcast and made for the inviting waters of Playstation. Projects for the Dreamcast that had been started were now being scrapped and Dreamcast was left with little in terms of game production.

On January 31st of 2001, Sega announced that once its 50 games currently in production were completed the Dreamcast hardware would be discontinued. With no plans of producing a next-generation successor to the Dreamcast, Sega made its last attempt at competing in the home console market.



I kept my Dreamcast for the next few years, occasionally dusting it off to hang out with Sonic and his friends whenever I was feeling nostalgic. It started having trouble reading disks sometime in 2004 and broke down completely just as I was about to graduate high school. I would like to find one on eBay one of these days and pick it up if the price is right, but I doubt I will ever get around to it. Nostaligia aside, my Nintendo Wii keeps me plenty entertained.

Bowser vs. Dr. Robotnik: Best at Being the Worst?

Quick word association. I'll say a word and you give me the first thought that pops into your head. Ready?

Nintendo.
.
.
.

You said Mario, didn't you? Ok, let's try another.

Sega.
.
.
.

Sonic, right?

That's what I thought. Up there are two of the biggest video game companies in the early 90's and their respective mascots. For awhile it was neck and neck in terms of their popularity, before Sonic lost steam and Mario was able to pull away for good. Both characters were the marquee names in their own extremely popular video games, both put out tons of merchandise adorned with their images, and both starred in their own Saturday morning cartoon shows. They were also the cause of countless schoolyard brawls which started as a debate over who would beat whom should they ever face each other. Mario vs. Sonic. Man vs. Hedgehog. Nintendo vs. Sega.

Another thing that these characters had in common was that they both had to deal with recurring arch enemies. Mario was constantly racing from castle to castle in search of Bowser, who had once again captured the helpless Princess Peach, and Sonic was faced with the challenge of the evil genius Dr. Robotnik, who sought the powerful Chaos Emeralds, which one could safely assume he intended to use for all sorts of chaos.

Time and time again, Bowser and Robotnik did everything in their power to try to prove they are competent villians, only to be easily thwarted Mario and Sonic. The question we are looking to answer here today is which of these bad guys is the best at being the worst. Which one has earned the right to be called the Best at Being the Worst?

Bowser

Bowser's ultimate goal is a very simple one. King Koopa hopes to one day become the extreme ruler of Mushroom Kingdom, which he no doubt intends to rule with an iron claw. Step one in his quest to become the Mushroom King is the kidnapping of Princess Peach (aka Princess Toadstool). Once the princess is under his possession, he next moves to usurp the kings that rule over the different districts of the kingdom. Bowser then places one his children on the throne to serve as a puppet monarch, while he pulls the strings from behind the scenes. Once all the pieces are in place, Bowser plans to live comfortably as Lord Bowser, Ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. If only he could do something about that pesky plumber . . .

Dr. Robotnik

Dr. Robotnik lives and breathes Chaos Emeralds. Those seven sparkling beauties are his sole motivation for getting out of bed in the morning. The emeralds offer their possessor the ability to "turn thoughts into power, give energy to all living things, and be used to create nuclear or laser based weaponry." (source: Chaos Emeralds) You can see why he would be so interested in them. He is also fascinated by the Master Emerald, which has the ability to negate the powers of the chaos emeralds, and which he uses to power his flying evil base, the Death Egg. With the chaos emeralds in his control, no one would be able to stop the mad scientist from taking over the world.

Decision

Both villians have set very lofty goals for themselves. Robotnik gets points for setting his sights on the entire world, and not just on one kingdom; however, Bowser is rewarded for using brute force and strategic planning in accomplishing his goals, not simply relying on some magic emeralds. Round 1 is a push.




In the original Super Mario Bros, Bowser only has his loyal band of goombas and flying turtles at his command. It appears that he put his plans into effect by simply using his guile and cunning, steathily sneaking into Princess Peach's castle and snatching her away under the cover of darkness. He had very little at his disposal in the early goings and he gets big points for that. In the later games, Bowser is less about stealth and strategy and more about flying pirate ships and magic wands. He becomes better equipped to put his plan into effect and has even spawned a few kids who help him carry out his plan of becoming the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom.


From the time he was first introduced, way back in the original Sonic the Hedgehog, Dr. Robotnik has always had an infinite arsenal of resources at his disposal. Blessed with an extreme understanding of robotics, aeronautics, and astrophysics, Robotnik is able to command an unending fleet of robots which are powered by small animals that had been previously enslaved. He is always coming up with new contraptions in the hopes that one of them will succeed in finishing off Sonic once and for all. Resources is one department in which Robotnik is certainly not lacking.



Round 3: Leadership Skills

Bowser

Say what you will about Bowser's strange fascination with the princess and his unique ability to produce offspring seemingly on command, there is no denying that Bowser knows how to garner respect and loyalty from his troops. Day in and day out, Bowser has soldiers who are willing to get their heads stomped on by a pair sewage-covered construction boots, receive third-degree burns from flower-powered fire balls, and get bull whipped by a plumber wearing a raccoon tail, all in the name of Koopa. That degree of loyalty from a volunteer-only army is unheard of. No one this side of Napoleon has commandeered such a loyal battalion.

Dr. Robotnik

Robotnik makes a strong showing in this round as well for one major reason: His soldiers are programmed to show loyalty. His mechanical army does everything in its power to get rid of Sonic and his gang of misfits, though admittedly, their power is rather limited. A robot that will smash open from one hit is not one that is built to succeed. While there's no doubt that Robotnik's soldiers would walk over a cliff for him at the drop of a hat, it is difficult to award him points for his leadership when he isn't so much as leading them as he is controlling them. Our judges feel that real respect and loyalty should be earned, not programmed.

Decision
Bowser wins this round in a landslide.



Bowser

We all know the story of Mario, the little plumber that could. Bowser's main opponent is a portly, pasta-mange'ing paesano from the sewers who gets help from magic mushrooms, flaming flowers, and leaves which grant him the power of flight (not to mention the cutest set of raccoon ears!). Bowser is continuously overpowered by Mario despite having about 5 feet and 800 pounds on him. No one as big a Bowser should be tossed around that easily by someone who may be a certifiable dwarf. Every time Bowser has a run in with Mario the result is an extreme upset, the likes of which haven't been seen since the times of David and Goliath.

Dr. Robotnik

"He's the fastest thing alive. He's the fastest thing alive. He's the fastest thing ALI-I-I-VE!" That's how Sonic is touted in the theme song of his Saturday morning cartoon show. The fastest thing alive. More specifically, Sonic is a hedgehog with a smart-ass attitude, a sweet pair of running shoes, razor sharp quills, who runs at the speed of sound. I don't care how skilled you are at handling complex machinery, it's going to be tough to compete with that. While Dr. Robotnik seems to have his hands full with Sonic already, one should not forget what happens when Sonic manages to collect all of the chaos emeralds. With the combined power of the seven emeralds in his control, Sonic transforms from your average speed-burnin' hedgehog into a golden, sparks-emitting, flame-running beast, capable of reaching the speed of light (reportedly).


DecisionRobotnik takes this round easily. Mario is short and fat, Sonic is built for speed and destruction. The good doctor certainly faces a tall order with this one. It's actually a miracle that he's survived this long.



The match is over and the results are in. The judges have decided and with a tally of 3 wins and 1 loss, the winner of the Best at Being the Worst competition is . . .


Bowser is a villain in the truest sense of the word. He is ruthless, cunning, power-hungry, and most of all, relentless. He doesn't care how many times he has to kidnap the princess to make his dreams a reality, and he certainly doesn't know the meaning of the word failure. He is the leader of the most loyal army the Mushroom Kingdom has ever seen, and if the security placed around Princess Peach is any indication, Mushroom Kingdom may be better off with Bowser as its monarch.

The Simpsons: Arcade Game

Is there anyone who has ever been to an arcade and did not immediately fall in love with The Simpsons: The Arcade Game? There is just something so endearing and entertaining about the game that I specifically seek it out every time I visit an arcade. I actually feel that an arcade is not worth its weight in salt if it does not house The Simpsons: The Arcade Game.

The first time I ever played this game was at Pizza Hut in either 1994 or 1995. I remember I used to beg my parents to take me there at least once a week for a personal pie and some quality time with The Simpsons. I wasn't the only child who felt this way as there was always a line of kids waiting their turn to play the game and my pizza was usually a cold pizza brick by the time I got back to my table. On more than one occasion I totally neglecting my pizza in favor of a few more minutes of the game.

The Simpsons: The Arcade Game is a classic beat-em up that can be categorized as a button-masher. Being an arcade game, there were only two buttons - Jump and Attack - and one joystick for movement. The game play is incredibly simple as it consists of nudging your joystick towards and enemy and pounding away on the Attack button. The game is playable for up to four players and offers you the option of playing as either Homer, Marge, Bart, or Lisa (though I don't think I've ever used a character other than Bart. Bart was my childhood hero). Each character is equipped with their own unique fighting style - Homer is unarmed and uses his fists to do the talking, Marge wields a vacuum cleaner like a club, Bart thrashes enemies with his skateboard, and Lisa goes all Indiana Jones on baddies by using her jump rope as a whip. (Something I always wondered: exactly how strong is Marge? Is she some sort of superhero? Seems to me it would take quite a bit of strength to use a vacuum cleaner as a flogging device.)

The plot behind The Simpsons: The Arcade is so ridiculous that one can't help but appreciate it. The story goes that Mr. Burns' lap-dog Mr. Smithers has stolen a large diamond from one of Springfield's jewelry retailers and is on his was back to Mr. Burn's mansion when he bumps into Homer Simpson on the street. The collision is so jarring that Mr. Smithers drops the diamond and it lands near baby Maggie. Thinking the diamond is her pacifier, Maggie picks it up and puts it in her mouth. Smithers then does what any logical human being would do in that situation and kidnaps Maggie. The game begins with the Simpson family in hot pursuit of Mr. Smithers, battling a hoard of Mr. Burns' minions along the way. Now, the astute reader may have some questions regarding this storyline. In no particular order: Why would Mr. Burns have to steal a diamond when he is the richest man in Springfield? What would Springfield's richest, most elderly resident need with such a large diamond? Why would Smithers snatch up Maggie instead of simply grabbing the diamond back from her? Was it really necessary to add kidnapping to a laundry list of felonies? The quesitons are seemingly endless, and while they are all good questions, I'm afraid they are better left unanswered.

The player has to work his or her way through several levels that are designed in the mold of recognizable Simpsons locations. You fight your way through Downtown Springfield, do battle in Krustyland, pummel some enemies in Moe's Tavern, before finally reaching the Springfield Power Plant and facing off against Smithers and, ultimately, Mr. Burns himself.


Each level is concluded with a boss battle against a character or two who played minor roles in a few television episodes. My favorite boss fight takes place at the end of level 6 (Dreamland), and it pits the Simpsons family against one of Homer's bowling balls that has grown arms and come to life. This battle endears itself to me because of the sheer lunacy involved.

All the bosses have a high number of hit points and are difficult enough that you are almost gauranteed to be killed once or twice before defeating them. Also, each level is chock full of enemies employed by Mr. Burns to make your rescue mission a little bit harder. His hired guns are all pretty easy to defeat, three or four hits usually do the trick, but there are a few of them that can be a pain in the neck. One example were the guys in suits who wore bowler hats and used the hats as a projectile weapon, a la Oddjob of 007 fame. I hated these guys because their stupid hats were tough to dodge being that you couldn't jump over them and it took a surprising number of hits to kill them.

The Simpsons: The Arcade Game has withstood the test of time and stands as one of the best arcade games you can find. This is one of the rare arcade games that people will actually stand in line to play. I don't think I've ever seen this game in an arcade and didn't stop by to play a bit. The impulse to pop a few quarters into the machine and have a good time is just too strong and I can never just walk on by.


The replay value is extremely high as its game play is entertaining regardless of how many times you've played it. There is just something about the childlike simplicity of the game that makes it so addictive. While playing the game solo is a blast, I always try to get a few buddies to hop along side me and join in on the action.

But they can't use Bart. Bart's mine.

Shaq Fu - Worst. Game. Ever.

Hello. This entry requires no preamble or introduction. I am just going to get straight to the point. Shaq Fu (seriously, that's what it's called) is easily the worst game I have ever attempted to play. In fact, this game is so bad that I actually stopped speaking to the friend who first recommended it to me way back in third grade.

It should be obvious to anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to experience one of Shaquille O'Neal's non-basketball related ventures that he should no longer be allowed to take part in anything that takes place outside of a basketball arena. It seems that everything he does removed from the basketball court turns out to be as unbelievably horrible as humanly possible. His movies (I'm looking at you, Kazaam), his rap songs, and his martial arts-themed video game are all so bad that it wouldn't shock me to find out that some poor victims required intensive amounts of therapy after witnessing one of these tragedies.


I was shocked to find out that Shaq Fu actually has a storyline. I had always just assumed that one day Shaq was playing Street Fighter and thought to himself, "Hey, I've accomplished everything I needed to on a basketball court. Time to take what I've learned in the NBA and put it towards something I can really get into . . . like 2-D martial arts!" Against all odds, he actually managed to find a company willing to make his dreams a reality. Enter Delfine Software International, the one company stupid enough to actually believe that a fighting game set in feudal Japan, starring NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal, would be a good idea.


Fortunately for the gaming public as a whole, Delfine Software International would go backrupt shortly after Shaq Fu's release, sparing gamers anymore unwarranted torment.

Here's a quick summary of Shaq Fu's ridiculous storyline: Shaquillle O'Neal is on his way to charity basketball event in Japan when he decides to make a pit stop at a local kung-fu dojo, presumably to use the bathroom. It is here that Shaq stumbles upon a rip in the space-time continuum (note: this is speculation) and is transported to an alternate reality where he learns that he is the hero spoken of in local legends. Still with me? Ok. Once there, Shaq is handed the responsibility of rescuing an unfortunate young boy who, on top of having been kidnapped by an evil mummy, is now burdened with the misfortune of having to rely on Shaq as his only means of survival. You play as Shaq and have to battle assorted enemies along your quest in a few very Street Fighter-esque fight scenes. Eventually you defeat the evil mummy, rescue the little boy, and somehow find your way back to the real world. Whether or not you make it to the charity event in time is still open for debate. So, that's the game in a nutshell. There's actually slightly more to it than that, but that's all the synopsis I have patience for. If for some reason you want the complete story behind Shaq Fu (but my God, why would you?) then I encourage you to check out http://www.netjak.com/review.php/376, which provides you with all the eye-rolling, nausea-inducing details you can handle.

If I may play devil's advocate for a second, I must point out that there have been games with ridiculous storylines in the past that have gone on to become great because of their excellent gameplay. For instance, consider for a second the storyline behind Super Mario Bros : An Italian plumber rescues a princess from the dinosaur king with the help of magic mushrooms and some super flowers. With a storyline like that, one would be inclined to believe the game's creators had the help of some magic mushrooms of their own when coming up with that one. Well, despite all the silliness, Mario has gone on to be the most easily recognized video game character on Earth simply because of how much fun the games are to play. With this in mind, let me say that Shaq Fu is not one of these games.


For starters, the fighting controls are absolutely horrendous. It is nearly impossible to pull off the difficult button sequences necessary to perform any real fighting moves, so you are basically stuck throwing simple punches and kicks, which do nearly no damage and are extremely challenging to actually land on your opponent. Also, I have no idea how to block in this game. There are supposed to be two blocking modes you can utilize, one for physical attacks, and one for projectile attacks, but I have never seen them. If you find out how to pull off either one of them, be sure to let me know. Next up is jumping. Your jumps are awkward and impossible to control. Once you make Shaq leave his feet he is doomed to jump the same height and distance every time, so you can forget about performing any sort of planned aerial attack. The only way to land a jump kick is by being lucky enough to have your opponent stupidly walk into it.

I'm not embarrassed to say that I have never won a fight in Shaq Fu. I actually hope I never meet anybody who has played this game long enough to get good at it, because someone like that is obviously very mentally unstable. Yep, that's right, Shaq Fu is so bad it diminishes your mental capacity.

Reliving Star Fox 64

Star Fox 64 was one of those games that I absolutely needed to buy the day it came out. To this day I remember how excited I would get just watching the commercials for the game in the weeks prior to its release.

Star Fox 64 was introduced in July of 1997 and up to that point I had only owned one other game for Nintendo 64 and that was Super Mario 64. (This post is only in its second paragraph and I'm already getting annoyed with writing '64' after every game title I reference. Was it necessary that every game for the N64 include the number 64 in the name?) Anyway, I received the N64 as a gift from my parents in April of '97 for my tenth birthday and Mario come packaged with the system. I was so into this new Mario game that I found no reason to purchase any others. I was happy with just the one.

Then came the day that one of my after-school cartoons was interrupted by this commercial:

Five Things I Learned From Playing Pokemon

As kids, if it came down to doing something our parents told us to do because it was good for us, or to do something our friends said to do because it was cool, we would unwaveringly listen to our friends. The same goes for what we saw on TV or in video games. Remember how Spider-man got his super powers when he was bit by a radioactive spider? And remember how you wished you could bump into just one radioactive spider in the hopes that it may decide to bite you and grant you the same amazing powers? Mom and dad would warn you that this was a bad idea; that a bite from a radioactive spider would not grant you any super powers and it would most likely kill you, so you should just stay away from all spiders to be on the safe side. Regardless of these warnings, you would still pick up every spider you saw, because, who knows, you might just get lucky.

Point is, kids are more likely to pay attention to and remember things they learned from TV or saw in a video game because that's just how kids are. With that in mind, here are five life lessons I learned from playing Pokemon.

5. Parental supervision is overrated.
Parents always warn their kids these days about wandering off by themselves because they are afraid that the child will get hurt or kidnapped or something like that. Pokemon goes out of it's way to prove that these parents are just being Nervous Nancies.

Every Pokemon adventure begins with the hero (a ten-year old child) choosing a pokemon as a pet and then being thrust out into the wilderness alone to begin their journey of becoming the best pokemon collector in the world. This game taught me that with only the aid of a small animal, any unaccompanied minor is perfectly capable of surviving in a world inhabited with all sorts of wild beasts that wouldn't even think twice before shredding you to pieces. The game went further to demonstrate that all children are born with the ability to find their own food, walk incredibly long distances without water or sleep, and even defuse any threat they may encounter, whether it be traversing a deep river without a boat, or fending off the neighborhood street gang. The only reason today's kids don't do these things is because they are lazy.



4. Your pets can survive in stuffy, extremely cramped enclosures.
Have you ever seen those dog food commercials that show each dog happily frolicking through an open field or meadow and think that your dog may require the same space and occasional exercise? Well, if Pokemon has taught me anything it's that those commercials are completely untrue.

What are you supposed to do with all those pokemon you capture? Send them to live on a farm somewhere? Of course not. You are supposed to keep them in tiny, air-free enclosures no bigger than a softball which will no doubt stunt their growth and cause them extreme depression and anxiety. Also, you can only release them from their prisons when you need them to go to war against some other pokemon for reasons they are never made aware of. The best way to show your pet that you love them is by keeping them locked up in a tiny space for 23 hours a day, wallowing in their own filth, since you don't even let them out to use the bathroom.


3. Cockfighting is fun!
Pokemon has taught me that all the bad things I have ever been told about cockfighting is a silly over-exaggeration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple of innocent creatures, harboring no preexisting issues with each other, being forced to tear into each other for our amusement. In fact, it's a good way to settle a debate.


In the world of Pokemon, every issue you have with another human being is settled the same way: Let the pokemon duke it out. I mean, why should the people have to get their hands dirty when there are some perfectly good pokemon available that can do it for us? Rightly or wrongly, the winner of every issue is always decided by the person with the bigger and stronger pokemon. Just the way God intended.

2. Killing is bad!
Finally, a lesson that our parents and Pokemon can agree on. You should never, ever, under any circumstances, kill any living person or thing. Life is sacred and murder will not be tolerated; however, beating your enemy into unconsciousness is perfectly acceptable.

We all know that there is only one way for a pokemon battle to end and it certainly isn't with a hearty handshake. A victor can only be declared once a pokemon has taken such a merciless beating that not only can it no longer fight, it must also be knocked out cold. Afterward, to add insult to injury, as a prize for reducing the other trainer's pokemon to a motionless pile of pulp, you have the right to rummage through their possessions and claim what ever catches your eye.



1. Do whatever it takes to be popular.
And here is what I believe to be the ulimate lesson I learned from all my hours of playing Pokemon as a child. To go above and beyond the normal duties of a ten-year old to become the coolest, most popular kid in all the land.

Why do you, as the pokemon trainer, go through all the things you do during the game? What is the ultimate goal? Is it to become the best trainer in the world? Not really. Is it to have the best, most impressive pokemon collection ever? No, but you're getting warmer.

The real reason you leave home by yourself at age ten, walk hundreds of miles through the dangerous wilderness, fight off wild animals and other pokemon trainers, spelunk through caves and wade across rivers, before finally doing battle with the top trainers in the world, is to make people like you. Your ultimate goal to have people look up to you and strive to accomplish what you've accomplished. And what do you do once you make it to the summit of the Pokemon world? What is left to accomplish once you've toppled everything that has stood in your way? Nothing really. You sort of just walk around and allow people to gawk at you in all your awesomeness.




So remember kids - if you live your lives according to the guidelines handed down by every Pokemon game and ignore the teachings of your parents or guardians, you will be just fine.

Guitar Hero: Enough is Enough

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am the only person alive who has refused to succumb to the pressure and join the Guitar Hero movement. I fail to comprehend what is so earth-shattering about these games that forces herds of people to flock to Best Buy and plunk down ~$30 every time a new version is released.

Every game is exactly the same. A rock song plays as several terrifying 3-d characters jump around in front of a fake audience while the player attempts to press color-coded buttons on his or her plastic guitar in time with the music. The number of notes that you have to "play" along with and the speed at which they appear depend on which level of difficulty you are playing on. The more you play, the better you get, and the more songs you unlock. Play enough to earn the right to call yourself a "Guitar Hero."





This is where my real problems with these games begin. The game play is just so limited and repetitive. Nothing has changed in the four years since Harmonix released the original Guitar Hero, yet people continue to snatch up every version that is churned out. The marketing companies want you to believe that you are buying a new, more satisfying game because this one is Aerosmith-themed, or '80s-themed, or Metallica-themed, but in reality they are all still the same exact game.

Have you ever noticed that the notes never really match up with the song that is playing? The notes that you play for Mother would fit in just fine if you played them to Carry on Wayward Son. The songs are just window-dressing, there to make it seem like you are actually creating the music that you are hearing, when that is far from being the case. These games would work just as well without the music playing over them. The entertainment comes from being able to match up your fingers with the notes in the proper timing, which takes a good deal of hand-eye coordination, and not from actually believing you are a rock star.

Here's something else that bothers me. I know someone who bought Playstation 3 to play Guitar Hero III, even though he already owned the same game for Playstation 2. I asked him why he would waste his money like that and he told me it was because the graphics are better on PS3. I nearly had a coronary.

If you want to defend Guitar Hero by insisting that each game is different than the last because of the new songs and playable characters that are available, that's fine. While I do not agree with that thinking, I can at least sort of understand it. I will not, however, pretend to understand how Guitar Hero's graphics can be used as a defense for purchasing the newest game.



They sure look similar to me. In fact, I could argue that the graphics were actually better in the original.

Last year Neversoft released Guitar Hero: World Tour, which upped the game play by making more instruments available for use. No longer was the individual guitar hero limited to just a guitar, they now also had access to a set of drums and a microphone. Now that may sound awesome, but even that is a recycled gaming concept. Doesn't the addition of drums and a microphone make Guitar Hero eerily similar to a game that was released in 2007 by Guitar Hero's original developer, Harmonix? Rock Band anyone?