Friday, April 3, 2009
Bowser vs. Dr. Robotnik: Best at Being the Worst?
Quick word association. I'll say a word and you give me the first thought that pops into your head. Ready?
Nintendo.
.
.
.
You said Mario, didn't you? Ok, let's try another.
Sega.
.
.
.
Sonic, right?
That's what I thought. Up there are two of the biggest video game companies in the early 90's and their respective mascots. For awhile it was neck and neck in terms of their popularity, before Sonic lost steam and Mario was able to pull away for good. Both characters were the marquee names in their own extremely popular video games, both put out tons of merchandise adorned with their images, and both starred in their own Saturday morning cartoon shows. They were also the cause of countless schoolyard brawls which started as a debate over who would beat whom should they ever face each other. Mario vs. Sonic. Man vs. Hedgehog. Nintendo vs. Sega.
Another thing that these characters had in common was that they both had to deal with recurring arch enemies. Mario was constantly racing from castle to castle in search of Bowser, who had once again captured the helpless Princess Peach, and Sonic was faced with the challenge of the evil genius Dr. Robotnik, who sought the powerful Chaos Emeralds, which one could safely assume he intended to use for all sorts of chaos.
Time and time again, Bowser and Robotnik did everything in their power to try to prove they are competent villians, only to be easily thwarted Mario and Sonic. The question we are looking to answer here today is which of these bad guys is the best at being the worst. Which one has earned the right to be called the Best at Being the Worst?
Showdown
Round 1: Goals
Bowser
Bowser's ultimate goal is a very simple one. King Koopa hopes to one day become the extreme ruler of Mushroom Kingdom, which he no doubt intends to rule with an iron claw. Step one in his quest to become the Mushroom King is the kidnapping of Princess Peach (aka Princess Toadstool). Once the princess is under his possession, he next moves to usurp the kings that rule over the different districts of the kingdom. Bowser then places one his children on the throne to serve as a puppet monarch, while he pulls the strings from behind the scenes. Once all the pieces are in place, Bowser plans to live comfortably as Lord Bowser, Ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. If only he could do something about that pesky plumber . . .
Dr. Robotnik
Dr. Robotnik lives and breathes Chaos Emeralds. Those seven sparkling beauties are his sole motivation for getting out of bed in the morning. The emeralds offer their possessor the ability to "turn thoughts into power, give energy to all living things, and be used to create nuclear or laser based weaponry." (source: Chaos Emeralds) You can see why he would be so interested in them. He is also fascinated by the Master Emerald, which has the ability to negate the powers of the chaos emeralds, and which he uses to power his flying evil base, the Death Egg. With the chaos emeralds in his control, no one would be able to stop the mad scientist from taking over the world.
Decision
Both villians have set very lofty goals for themselves. Robotnik gets points for setting his sights on the entire world, and not just on one kingdom; however, Bowser is rewarded for using brute force and strategic planning in accomplishing his goals, not simply relying on some magic emeralds. Round 1 is a push.
Round 2: Use of Resources
Bowser
In the original Super Mario Bros, Bowser only has his loyal band of goombas and flying turtles at his command. It appears that he put his plans into effect by simply using his guile and cunning, steathily sneaking into Princess Peach's castle and snatching her away under the cover of darkness. He had very little at his disposal in the early goings and he gets big points for that. In the later games, Bowser is less about stealth and strategy and more about flying pirate ships and magic wands. He becomes better equipped to put his plan into effect and has even spawned a few kids who help him carry out his plan of becoming the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Dr. Robotnik
From the time he was first introduced, way back in the original Sonic the Hedgehog, Dr. Robotnik has always had an infinite arsenal of resources at his disposal. Blessed with an extreme understanding of robotics, aeronautics, and astrophysics, Robotnik is able to command an unending fleet of robots which are powered by small animals that had been previously enslaved. He is always coming up with new contraptions in the hopes that one of them will succeed in finishing off Sonic once and for all. Resources is one department in which Robotnik is certainly not lacking.
Decision
Bowser is able to do more with less. He is able to kidnap a princess, who is presumably under 24-hour surveillance, steal the thrones away from the most powerful men in the land, and distribute monarchal power to his children, all with very limited resources. Robotnik has unlimited technology at his fingertips and still fails to live up to his potential. He either needs to learn to build more proficient robots or he needs to learn how to use them more efficiently. Round 3: Leadership Skills
Bowser
Say what you will about Bowser's strange fascination with the princess and his unique ability to produce offspring seemingly on command, there is no denying that Bowser knows how to garner respect and loyalty from his troops. Day in and day out, Bowser has soldiers who are willing to get their heads stomped on by a pair sewage-covered construction boots, receive third-degree burns from flower-powered fire balls, and get bull whipped by a plumber wearing a raccoon tail, all in the name of Koopa. That degree of loyalty from a volunteer-only army is unheard of. No one this side of Napoleon has commandeered such a loyal battalion.
Dr. Robotnik
Robotnik makes a strong showing in this round as well for one major reason: His soldiers are programmed to show loyalty. His mechanical army does everything in its power to get rid of Sonic and his gang of misfits, though admittedly, their power is rather limited. A robot that will smash open from one hit is not one that is built to succeed. While there's no doubt that Robotnik's soldiers would walk over a cliff for him at the drop of a hat, it is difficult to award him points for his leadership when he isn't so much as leading them as he is controlling them. Our judges feel that real respect and loyalty should be earned, not programmed.
Decision
Bowser wins this round in a landslide.Round 4: Arch Enemy
Bowser
We all know the story of Mario, the little plumber that could. Bowser's main opponent is a portly, pasta-mange'ing paesano from the sewers who gets help from magic mushrooms, flaming flowers, and leaves which grant him the power of flight (not to mention the cutest set of raccoon ears!). Bowser is continuously overpowered by Mario despite having about 5 feet and 800 pounds on him. No one as big a Bowser should be tossed around that easily by someone who may be a certifiable dwarf. Every time Bowser has a run in with Mario the result is an extreme upset, the likes of which haven't been seen since the times of David and Goliath.
Dr. Robotnik
"He's the fastest thing alive. He's the fastest thing alive. He's the fastest thing ALI-I-I-VE!" That's how Sonic is touted in the theme song of his Saturday morning cartoon show. The fastest thing alive. More specifically, Sonic is a hedgehog with a smart-ass attitude, a sweet pair of running shoes, razor sharp quills, who runs at the speed of sound. I don't care how skilled you are at handling complex machinery, it's going to be tough to compete with that. While Dr. Robotnik seems to have his hands full with Sonic already, one should not forget what happens when Sonic manages to collect all of the chaos emeralds. With the combined power of the seven emeralds in his control, Sonic transforms from your average speed-burnin' hedgehog into a golden, sparks-emitting, flame-running beast, capable of reaching the speed of light (reportedly).
The poor egghead never stood a chance.
Decision
Robotnik takes this round easily. Mario is short and fat, Sonic is built for speed and destruction. The good doctor certainly faces a tall order with this one. It's actually a miracle that he's survived this long.Winner: Best at Being the Worst
The match is over and the results are in. The judges have decided and with a tally of 3 wins and 1 loss, the winner of the Best at Being the Worst competition is . . .
"Oh my gosh, this is so unexpected! I have so many people to thank . . ."Bowser is a villain in the truest sense of the word. He is ruthless, cunning, power-hungry, and most of all, relentless. He doesn't care how many times he has to kidnap the princess to make his dreams a reality, and he certainly doesn't know the meaning of the word failure. He is the leader of the most loyal army the Mushroom Kingdom has ever seen, and if the security placed around Princess Peach is any indication, Mushroom Kingdom may be better off with Bowser as its monarch.
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James, your blogs are always outstanding! I love the Best at being the worst and I love all the images you included. Villains are so much fun, but are often second class characters so: Hooray for the villains and hooray for Bowser!
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