Five Things I Learned From Playing Pokemon

As kids, if it came down to doing something our parents told us to do because it was good for us, or to do something our friends said to do because it was cool, we would unwaveringly listen to our friends. The same goes for what we saw on TV or in video games. Remember how Spider-man got his super powers when he was bit by a radioactive spider? And remember how you wished you could bump into just one radioactive spider in the hopes that it may decide to bite you and grant you the same amazing powers? Mom and dad would warn you that this was a bad idea; that a bite from a radioactive spider would not grant you any super powers and it would most likely kill you, so you should just stay away from all spiders to be on the safe side. Regardless of these warnings, you would still pick up every spider you saw, because, who knows, you might just get lucky.

Point is, kids are more likely to pay attention to and remember things they learned from TV or saw in a video game because that's just how kids are. With that in mind, here are five life lessons I learned from playing Pokemon.

5. Parental supervision is overrated.
Parents always warn their kids these days about wandering off by themselves because they are afraid that the child will get hurt or kidnapped or something like that. Pokemon goes out of it's way to prove that these parents are just being Nervous Nancies.

Every Pokemon adventure begins with the hero (a ten-year old child) choosing a pokemon as a pet and then being thrust out into the wilderness alone to begin their journey of becoming the best pokemon collector in the world. This game taught me that with only the aid of a small animal, any unaccompanied minor is perfectly capable of surviving in a world inhabited with all sorts of wild beasts that wouldn't even think twice before shredding you to pieces. The game went further to demonstrate that all children are born with the ability to find their own food, walk incredibly long distances without water or sleep, and even defuse any threat they may encounter, whether it be traversing a deep river without a boat, or fending off the neighborhood street gang. The only reason today's kids don't do these things is because they are lazy.



4. Your pets can survive in stuffy, extremely cramped enclosures.
Have you ever seen those dog food commercials that show each dog happily frolicking through an open field or meadow and think that your dog may require the same space and occasional exercise? Well, if Pokemon has taught me anything it's that those commercials are completely untrue.

What are you supposed to do with all those pokemon you capture? Send them to live on a farm somewhere? Of course not. You are supposed to keep them in tiny, air-free enclosures no bigger than a softball which will no doubt stunt their growth and cause them extreme depression and anxiety. Also, you can only release them from their prisons when you need them to go to war against some other pokemon for reasons they are never made aware of. The best way to show your pet that you love them is by keeping them locked up in a tiny space for 23 hours a day, wallowing in their own filth, since you don't even let them out to use the bathroom.


3. Cockfighting is fun!
Pokemon has taught me that all the bad things I have ever been told about cockfighting is a silly over-exaggeration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple of innocent creatures, harboring no preexisting issues with each other, being forced to tear into each other for our amusement. In fact, it's a good way to settle a debate.


In the world of Pokemon, every issue you have with another human being is settled the same way: Let the pokemon duke it out. I mean, why should the people have to get their hands dirty when there are some perfectly good pokemon available that can do it for us? Rightly or wrongly, the winner of every issue is always decided by the person with the bigger and stronger pokemon. Just the way God intended.

2. Killing is bad!
Finally, a lesson that our parents and Pokemon can agree on. You should never, ever, under any circumstances, kill any living person or thing. Life is sacred and murder will not be tolerated; however, beating your enemy into unconsciousness is perfectly acceptable.

We all know that there is only one way for a pokemon battle to end and it certainly isn't with a hearty handshake. A victor can only be declared once a pokemon has taken such a merciless beating that not only can it no longer fight, it must also be knocked out cold. Afterward, to add insult to injury, as a prize for reducing the other trainer's pokemon to a motionless pile of pulp, you have the right to rummage through their possessions and claim what ever catches your eye.



1. Do whatever it takes to be popular.
And here is what I believe to be the ulimate lesson I learned from all my hours of playing Pokemon as a child. To go above and beyond the normal duties of a ten-year old to become the coolest, most popular kid in all the land.

Why do you, as the pokemon trainer, go through all the things you do during the game? What is the ultimate goal? Is it to become the best trainer in the world? Not really. Is it to have the best, most impressive pokemon collection ever? No, but you're getting warmer.

The real reason you leave home by yourself at age ten, walk hundreds of miles through the dangerous wilderness, fight off wild animals and other pokemon trainers, spelunk through caves and wade across rivers, before finally doing battle with the top trainers in the world, is to make people like you. Your ultimate goal to have people look up to you and strive to accomplish what you've accomplished. And what do you do once you make it to the summit of the Pokemon world? What is left to accomplish once you've toppled everything that has stood in your way? Nothing really. You sort of just walk around and allow people to gawk at you in all your awesomeness.




So remember kids - if you live your lives according to the guidelines handed down by every Pokemon game and ignore the teachings of your parents or guardians, you will be just fine.

Guitar Hero: Enough is Enough

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am the only person alive who has refused to succumb to the pressure and join the Guitar Hero movement. I fail to comprehend what is so earth-shattering about these games that forces herds of people to flock to Best Buy and plunk down ~$30 every time a new version is released.

Every game is exactly the same. A rock song plays as several terrifying 3-d characters jump around in front of a fake audience while the player attempts to press color-coded buttons on his or her plastic guitar in time with the music. The number of notes that you have to "play" along with and the speed at which they appear depend on which level of difficulty you are playing on. The more you play, the better you get, and the more songs you unlock. Play enough to earn the right to call yourself a "Guitar Hero."





This is where my real problems with these games begin. The game play is just so limited and repetitive. Nothing has changed in the four years since Harmonix released the original Guitar Hero, yet people continue to snatch up every version that is churned out. The marketing companies want you to believe that you are buying a new, more satisfying game because this one is Aerosmith-themed, or '80s-themed, or Metallica-themed, but in reality they are all still the same exact game.

Have you ever noticed that the notes never really match up with the song that is playing? The notes that you play for Mother would fit in just fine if you played them to Carry on Wayward Son. The songs are just window-dressing, there to make it seem like you are actually creating the music that you are hearing, when that is far from being the case. These games would work just as well without the music playing over them. The entertainment comes from being able to match up your fingers with the notes in the proper timing, which takes a good deal of hand-eye coordination, and not from actually believing you are a rock star.

Here's something else that bothers me. I know someone who bought Playstation 3 to play Guitar Hero III, even though he already owned the same game for Playstation 2. I asked him why he would waste his money like that and he told me it was because the graphics are better on PS3. I nearly had a coronary.

If you want to defend Guitar Hero by insisting that each game is different than the last because of the new songs and playable characters that are available, that's fine. While I do not agree with that thinking, I can at least sort of understand it. I will not, however, pretend to understand how Guitar Hero's graphics can be used as a defense for purchasing the newest game.



They sure look similar to me. In fact, I could argue that the graphics were actually better in the original.

Last year Neversoft released Guitar Hero: World Tour, which upped the game play by making more instruments available for use. No longer was the individual guitar hero limited to just a guitar, they now also had access to a set of drums and a microphone. Now that may sound awesome, but even that is a recycled gaming concept. Doesn't the addition of drums and a microphone make Guitar Hero eerily similar to a game that was released in 2007 by Guitar Hero's original developer, Harmonix? Rock Band anyone?

Underrated Game - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Can anyone explain to me why The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time receives so much love from gamers when discussing the best Zelda games of all-time, yet Majora's Mask gets barely a mention? What does OoT have that Majora's Mask doesn't? To me, they both offer lengthy, awe-inspiring gameplay, intelligent and exciting storylines, and everybody's favorite pointy-eared hero equipped with his trusty Master Sword. Sure, Ganandorf and Zelda fail to make an appearance, but is that really so bad? They could use the break.

The story behind Majora's Mask centers around a mysterious figure known as the Skull Kid who stumbles upon a mask which grants the wearer incredible powers, but also puts them under a spell which forces them to do the mask's evil bidding. While wearing the mask, Skull Kid causes all kinds of mischief including stealing Link's Ocarina of Time, turning Link into a living flower known as a Deku Scrub, and sending the moon on a collision course with earth.

As you can imagine, none of this sits right with our hero and it is up to him to get back the Ocarina, regain his human form, defeat Skull Kid, and rescue four legendary giants in hopes they can stop the moon from wiping out all life on the planet.


The reason that I love Majora's Mask is that this game offers us all the things we love about the Zelda franchise - the dungeons, puzzles, weapon power-ups, and larger-than-life bosses - and also cranks the energy up a notch by introducing a new feature that I found very appealing: the capability to earn new skills by collecting different masks hidden throughout the game. Each mask that you discover adds a new ability or power-up to Link's arsenal. For instance, the Zora mask allows Link to breathe underwater and dual-wield a pair of boomerang-like blades; the bunny hood allows Link to run faster and jump higher; and the Goron Mask transforms Link into a large beast with incredible strength.

As you make your way through the game you have to be aware of the clock that is counting down on the bottom of the screen, as you only have 3 days (in game-time, which is actually a lot less than that in actual time) to complete your missions. If you run out of time before completing everything you need to you get a front row seat to the Armageddon.



This minor problem can be counteracted by playing The Song of Time on the ocarina, which turns back the clock to the first hour of the first day, awarding you another 3 days to complete your quest. While this may seem like an unnecessary annoyance, I promise you that it only serves to add an exciting new component to the game-play which is easy to get used to.

Another thing that makes Majora's Mask stand out from the other Legend of Zelda games is the way it strays from the normal Zelda storyline and seems to be more of a spin-off of Ocarina of Time than an actual sequel.



Now, don't get me wrong. I love The Legend of Zelda and I realize those 4 storyline cliches are the ingredients to a successful game, but in my opinion Majora's Mask offers a better, more satisfying gaming experience because it dares to be different and doesn't care whether you like it or not. Keep running out of time? Tough cookies. Can't find all the masks? Majora's Mask doesn't want to hear about.

Contra III: Old School Shoot 'em Up

Contra III: The Alien Wars is the third installment of the popular Contra series and was the first to be released on the SNES. Like it's predecessors, Contra III is a side-scrolling shooter that relies heavily on its addictive, fast-paced game-play to keep the player entertained. The issues of a storyline and character development take a backseat to the thrills provided by rampaging through each level with your automatic machine gun and its unlimited supply of ammunition, blowing away anything unlucky enough to cross your path.

I loved this game as a kid because you could pop the catridge into your SNES and be blasting away at aliens in less than 30 seconds. There was no load time, no cut scenes, no tutorials; nothing that attempted to cut down on the action. You pressed start and immediately found yourself in the middle of a war of the worlds.