Saturday, March 21, 2009
The Simpsons: Arcade Game
Is there anyone who has ever been to an arcade and did not immediately fall in love with The Simpsons: The Arcade Game? There is just something so endearing and entertaining about the game that I specifically seek it out every time I visit an arcade. I actually feel that an arcade is not worth its weight in salt if it does not house The Simpsons: The Arcade Game.
The first time I ever played this game was at Pizza Hut in either 1994 or 1995. I remember I used to beg my parents to take me there at least once a week for a personal pie and some quality time with The Simpsons. I wasn't the only child who felt this way as there was always a line of kids waiting their turn to play the game and my pizza was usually a cold pizza brick by the time I got back to my table. On more than one occasion I totally neglecting my pizza in favor of a few more minutes of the game.
The Simpsons: The Arcade Game is a classic beat-em up that can be categorized as a button-masher. Being an arcade game, there were only two buttons - Jump and Attack - and one joystick for movement. The game play is incredibly simple as it consists of nudging your joystick towards and enemy and pounding away on the Attack button. The game is playable for up to four players and offers you the option of playing as either Homer, Marge, Bart, or Lisa (though I don't think I've ever used a character other than Bart. Bart was my childhood hero). Each character is equipped with their own unique fighting style - Homer is unarmed and uses his fists to do the talking, Marge wields a vacuum cleaner like a club, Bart thrashes enemies with his skateboard, and Lisa goes all Indiana Jones on baddies by using her jump rope as a whip. (Something I always wondered: exactly how strong is Marge? Is she some sort of superhero? Seems to me it would take quite a bit of strength to use a vacuum cleaner as a flogging device.)
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's . . . Marge Simpson?The player has to work his or her way through several levels that are designed in the mold of recognizable Simpsons locations. You fight your way through Downtown Springfield, do battle in Krustyland, pummel some enemies in Moe's Tavern, before finally reaching the Springfield Power Plant and facing off against Smithers and, ultimately, Mr. Burns himself.
Oh yeah, and Mr. Burns rides around in a plutonium-powered mini tank.Each level is concluded with a boss battle against a character or two who played minor roles in a few television episodes. My favorite boss fight takes place at the end of level 6 (Dreamland), and it pits the Simpsons family against one of Homer's bowling balls that has grown arms and come to life. This battle endears itself to me because of the sheer lunacy involved.
All the bosses have a high number of hit points and are difficult enough that you are almost gauranteed to be killed once or twice before defeating them. Also, each level is chock full of enemies employed by Mr. Burns to make your rescue mission a little bit harder. His hired guns are all pretty easy to defeat, three or four hits usually do the trick, but there are a few of them that can be a pain in the neck. One example were the guys in suits who wore bowler hats and used the hats as a projectile weapon, a la Oddjob of 007 fame. I hated these guys because their stupid hats were tough to dodge being that you couldn't jump over them and it took a surprising number of hits to kill them.
The Simpsons: The Arcade Game has withstood the test of time and stands as one of the best arcade games you can find. This is one of the rare arcade games that people will actually stand in line to play. I don't think I've ever seen this game in an arcade and didn't stop by to play a bit. The impulse to pop a few quarters into the machine and have a good time is just too strong and I can never just walk on by.
"I am your master now. Your resistance is futile."The replay value is extremely high as its game play is entertaining regardless of how many times you've played it. There is just something about the childlike simplicity of the game that makes it so addictive. While playing the game solo is a blast, I always try to get a few buddies to hop along side me and join in on the action.
But they can't use Bart. Bart's mine.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Shaq Fu - Worst. Game. Ever.
Hello. This entry requires no preamble or introduction. I am just going to get straight to the point. Shaq Fu (seriously, that's what it's called) is easily the worst game I have ever attempted to play. In fact, this game is so bad that I actually stopped speaking to the friend who first recommended it to me way back in third grade.
Seriously? *sigh*
Pictured: Shaq's biggest fan.I was shocked to find out that Shaq Fu actually has a storyline. I had always just assumed that one day Shaq was playing Street Fighter and thought to himself, "Hey, I've accomplished everything I needed to on a basketball court. Time to take what I've learned in the NBA and put it towards something I can really get into . . . like 2-D martial arts!" Against all odds, he actually managed to find a company willing to make his dreams a reality. Enter Delfine Software International, the one company stupid enough to actually believe that a fighting game set in feudal Japan, starring NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal, would be a good idea.
How could it fail?Fortunately for the gaming public as a whole, Delfine Software International would go backrupt shortly after Shaq Fu's release, sparing gamers anymore unwarranted torment.
Here's a quick summary of Shaq Fu's ridiculous storyline: Shaquillle O'Neal is on his way to charity basketball event in Japan when he decides to make a pit stop at a local kung-fu dojo, presumably to use the bathroom. It is here that Shaq stumbles upon a rip in the space-time continuum (note: this is speculation) and is transported to an alternate reality where he learns that he is the hero spoken of in local legends. Still with me? Ok. Once there, Shaq is handed the responsibility of rescuing an unfortunate young boy who, on top of having been kidnapped by an evil mummy, is now burdened with the misfortune of having to rely on Shaq as his only means of survival. You play as Shaq and have to battle assorted enemies along your quest in a few very Street Fighter-esque fight scenes. Eventually you defeat the evil mummy, rescue the little boy, and somehow find your way back to the real world. Whether or not you make it to the charity event in time is still open for debate. So, that's the game in a nutshell. There's actually slightly more to it than that, but that's all the synopsis I have patience for. If for some reason you want the complete story behind Shaq Fu (but my God, why would you?) then I encourage you to check out http://www.netjak.com/review.php/376, which provides you with all the eye-rolling, nausea-inducing details you can handle.
If I may play devil's advocate for a second, I must point out that there have been games with ridiculous storylines in the past that have gone on to become great because of their excellent gameplay. For instance, consider for a second the storyline behind Super Mario Bros : An Italian plumber rescues a princess from the dinosaur king with the help of magic mushrooms and some super flowers. With a storyline like that, one would be inclined to believe the game's creators had the help of some magic mushrooms of their own when coming up with that one. Well, despite all the silliness, Mario has gone on to be the most easily recognized video game character on Earth simply because of how much fun the games are to play. With this in mind, let me say that Shaq Fu is not one of these games.
If you've ever made it to this level that means you had no other games to play because your parents hated you.For starters, the fighting controls are absolutely horrendous. It is nearly impossible to pull off the difficult button sequences necessary to perform any real fighting moves, so you are basically stuck throwing simple punches and kicks, which do nearly no damage and are extremely challenging to actually land on your opponent. Also, I have no idea how to block in this game. There are supposed to be two blocking modes you can utilize, one for physical attacks, and one for projectile attacks, but I have never seen them. If you find out how to pull off either one of them, be sure to let me know. Next up is jumping. Your jumps are awkward and impossible to control. Once you make Shaq leave his feet he is doomed to jump the same height and distance every time, so you can forget about performing any sort of planned aerial attack. The only way to land a jump kick is by being lucky enough to have your opponent stupidly walk into it.
I'm not embarrassed to say that I have never won a fight in Shaq Fu. I actually hope I never meet anybody who has played this game long enough to get good at it, because someone like that is obviously very mentally unstable. Yep, that's right, Shaq Fu is so bad it diminishes your mental capacity.
See? Says so right on the box.In closing, I hope you consider this as a sort of public service announcement. Seriously, please do not expose yourself or anyone you love to the gaming travesty that is Shaq Fu. This game should be considered a crime against humanity. You know what? To be on the safe side, let's just pretend this whole thing never happened. Do yourself a favor and wipe all memory of this game from your mind. I'm sorry I even brought it up.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Reliving Star Fox 64
Pictured left to right: Peppy Hare, Slippy Toad, Fox McCloud, Falco LombardiStar Fox 64 was one of those games that I absolutely needed to buy the day it came out. To this day I remember how excited I would get just watching the commercials for the game in the weeks prior to its release.
Star Fox 64 was introduced in July of 1997 and up to that point I had only owned one other game for Nintendo 64 and that was Super Mario 64. (This post is only in its second paragraph and I'm already getting annoyed with writing '64' after every game title I reference. Was it necessary that every game for the N64 include the number 64 in the name?) Anyway, I received the N64 as a gift from my parents in April of '97 for my tenth birthday and Mario come packaged with the system. I was so into this new Mario game that I found no reason to purchase any others. I was happy with just the one.
Then came the day that one of my after-school cartoons was interrupted by this commercial:
I knew instantly I had to have this game. I mean, did you see the kid in that commercial? He was driven insane by the overwhelming awesomeness the game offered. In fact, the game was obviously so intense that the kid couldn't even turn the game on without first being strapped into his chair and equipped with a pair of aviation goggles as if he were engaging in an astronaut G-force simulation. The commercial promised loads of fast-paced action, aerial acrobatics, exploding robots, and even something called the "rumble pack." That was all I needed. I didn't even care what a rumble pack was, I just knew that I needed to get my hands on one. I wanted this game so badly that I would have gladly sold one of my little brothers to the circus if that would have guaranteed me an advanced copy of this game. (Who am I kidding? I would have gladly sold one of my little brothers to the circus for half a bologna sandwich.)
It only took a few minutes of playing Star Fox 64 for it to become one of my all-time favorites.
Storyline:
The game takes place in a galaxy known as the Lylat System and you control Fox McCloud, the leader of Team Star Fox. Team Star Fox consists of Fox, Peppy Hare, Falco Lombardi, and Slippy Toad. An evil being known as Andross has been banished to a distant planet in the galaxy known as Venom and the game begins with Team Star Fox being dispatched across the Lylat System to see what Andross is up to. Keep in mind, prior to the events in Star Fox 64, Andross was responsible for the death of Fox's father, James McCloud, so we can reasonably assume that Fox holds a bit of a grudge against him.
Yes, Andross is just a giant floating head. Actually, he has hands too, but you blow those up.Over the course of the game you (as Fox) are responsible for piloting aircrafts, driving tanks, and navigating submarines as you make your way across the galaxy toward Venom. The levels are full of all sorts of different enemy crafts to destroy and each level always concludes with a difficult, yet satisfying boss battle. The game is not rigidly linear so your score and course of action during each level decides which route across the galaxy you will take. Lower scores put you along easier paths while higher scores send you to more difficult levels.
Along the way you must occasionally do battle with the rival Star Wolf Team. Besides being a complete rip-off of Fox's team, Team Star Wolf serves Andross and does whatever it can to make your journey just a little more difficult. When you finally manage to reach Venom you have to fight through a few more waves of enemies before you reach Andross. The final battle with Andross has several different versions available and the one that you fight depends on which paths you took during the game to get there. If you took the easy path the whole way you will fight an Andross imposter. After he is defeated the credits will roll and you will hear Andross' omnimous laughter in the background, indicating that you have not really beat the game. It is then necessary to start from level one and try to work your way across the galaxy along the more difficults paths in order to reach the real final battle.
Gameplay:
You start the game with a basic weapon system that can be enhanced by picking up various upgrades scattered throughout the levels. Finding two upgrades boosts you from a weak single laser to a much stronger dual laser, both of which can be charged up to unleash a more powerful homing attack. Also available are Smart Bombs, which are missiles that can lock onto your enemy and be remotely detonated.
Star Fox 64 is a ton of fun regardless of which course of action you choose to take. The weapon schemes are simple enough to master early on so you waste less time learning and more time actually playing. The levels in the game are all incredibly detailed and gorgeous to look at, especially by the standards of its time. Each boss fight is relatively the same in concept - find the boss' weakness and blast the hell out of it - but they are all uniquely entertaining, whether it be because of their interesting attack patterns or simply because of their humorous dialogue. Speaking of the dialogue, that was one of the very pleasant surprises I got when I first played this game. Not only did the game display text while the characters spoke, the lines were actually voiced by real actors. This was the first game I ever played that offered this experience. Instead of having to take your eyes off the action to read Peppy's advice on doing a barrel roll, you would have the pleasure of actually hearing him berate you.
'Do a barrel roll' was easily my favorite quote as a kid.While I truly loved this game and still consider it to be one of my favorites, I would be doing you a disservice if I failed to point out one area of the game that I found pretty weak.
As the leader of Team Star Fox, I understand that I am responsible for the safety and well-being of my team and all that jazz, but good lord, could Slippy Toad be a bigger pain in the neck? He can't stay out of trouble for more than 5 seconds. He needs to be rescued from something like ten times every level. For God's sake, I'm his leader, not his freakin' babysitter. All this guy does is cry and whine about being in trouble. You can't get two minutes into a level without him calling out for help. And the worst thing is, most of the time it is his own fault! He is constantly flying off on his own to prove his value to the team, only to next be seen flying around wildly, frantically screaming for help.
He can't even pose for pictures without running from something.Not only was he always in need of saving, he was also completely useless as a teammate. The point of the game is simple enough - destroy the enemy war crafts - and he fails miserably at this. And what's worse than him not killing any bad guys is that in the rare instances he actually does manage to take one down, he never fails to make sure that you know it. Here I am wiping out 200 bad guys per level, modestly going about my business, and there's Slippy, haphazardly flying in my way, bragging every time he's lucky enough to find an enemy who's an even worse pilot than he is.
It would usually get to the point where I would kill him myself at the beginning of the level to put him out of his misery and get him out of my hair. I actually found him to be a bigger nuisance than the guys who were trying to kill me.
Verdict:
On the whole, Star Fox 64 rocks my socks. I loved the game as a kid and I still love it to this day. There's no doubt in my mind that this game is one of the classics, and may be one of the best games ever released for any Nintendo console. In fact, if you don't love Star Fox 64 then I don't think we can be friends anymore.
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