Shaq Fu - Worst. Game. Ever.

Hello. This entry requires no preamble or introduction. I am just going to get straight to the point. Shaq Fu (seriously, that's what it's called) is easily the worst game I have ever attempted to play. In fact, this game is so bad that I actually stopped speaking to the friend who first recommended it to me way back in third grade.

It should be obvious to anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to experience one of Shaquille O'Neal's non-basketball related ventures that he should no longer be allowed to take part in anything that takes place outside of a basketball arena. It seems that everything he does removed from the basketball court turns out to be as unbelievably horrible as humanly possible. His movies (I'm looking at you, Kazaam), his rap songs, and his martial arts-themed video game are all so bad that it wouldn't shock me to find out that some poor victims required intensive amounts of therapy after witnessing one of these tragedies.


I was shocked to find out that Shaq Fu actually has a storyline. I had always just assumed that one day Shaq was playing Street Fighter and thought to himself, "Hey, I've accomplished everything I needed to on a basketball court. Time to take what I've learned in the NBA and put it towards something I can really get into . . . like 2-D martial arts!" Against all odds, he actually managed to find a company willing to make his dreams a reality. Enter Delfine Software International, the one company stupid enough to actually believe that a fighting game set in feudal Japan, starring NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal, would be a good idea.


Fortunately for the gaming public as a whole, Delfine Software International would go backrupt shortly after Shaq Fu's release, sparing gamers anymore unwarranted torment.

Here's a quick summary of Shaq Fu's ridiculous storyline: Shaquillle O'Neal is on his way to charity basketball event in Japan when he decides to make a pit stop at a local kung-fu dojo, presumably to use the bathroom. It is here that Shaq stumbles upon a rip in the space-time continuum (note: this is speculation) and is transported to an alternate reality where he learns that he is the hero spoken of in local legends. Still with me? Ok. Once there, Shaq is handed the responsibility of rescuing an unfortunate young boy who, on top of having been kidnapped by an evil mummy, is now burdened with the misfortune of having to rely on Shaq as his only means of survival. You play as Shaq and have to battle assorted enemies along your quest in a few very Street Fighter-esque fight scenes. Eventually you defeat the evil mummy, rescue the little boy, and somehow find your way back to the real world. Whether or not you make it to the charity event in time is still open for debate. So, that's the game in a nutshell. There's actually slightly more to it than that, but that's all the synopsis I have patience for. If for some reason you want the complete story behind Shaq Fu (but my God, why would you?) then I encourage you to check out http://www.netjak.com/review.php/376, which provides you with all the eye-rolling, nausea-inducing details you can handle.

If I may play devil's advocate for a second, I must point out that there have been games with ridiculous storylines in the past that have gone on to become great because of their excellent gameplay. For instance, consider for a second the storyline behind Super Mario Bros : An Italian plumber rescues a princess from the dinosaur king with the help of magic mushrooms and some super flowers. With a storyline like that, one would be inclined to believe the game's creators had the help of some magic mushrooms of their own when coming up with that one. Well, despite all the silliness, Mario has gone on to be the most easily recognized video game character on Earth simply because of how much fun the games are to play. With this in mind, let me say that Shaq Fu is not one of these games.


For starters, the fighting controls are absolutely horrendous. It is nearly impossible to pull off the difficult button sequences necessary to perform any real fighting moves, so you are basically stuck throwing simple punches and kicks, which do nearly no damage and are extremely challenging to actually land on your opponent. Also, I have no idea how to block in this game. There are supposed to be two blocking modes you can utilize, one for physical attacks, and one for projectile attacks, but I have never seen them. If you find out how to pull off either one of them, be sure to let me know. Next up is jumping. Your jumps are awkward and impossible to control. Once you make Shaq leave his feet he is doomed to jump the same height and distance every time, so you can forget about performing any sort of planned aerial attack. The only way to land a jump kick is by being lucky enough to have your opponent stupidly walk into it.

I'm not embarrassed to say that I have never won a fight in Shaq Fu. I actually hope I never meet anybody who has played this game long enough to get good at it, because someone like that is obviously very mentally unstable. Yep, that's right, Shaq Fu is so bad it diminishes your mental capacity.