Saturday, February 28, 2009
Five Things I Learned From Playing Pokemon
As kids, if it came down to doing something our parents told us to do because it was good for us, or to do something our friends said to do because it was cool, we would unwaveringly listen to our friends. The same goes for what we saw on TV or in video games. Remember how Spider-man got his super powers when he was bit by a radioactive spider? And remember how you wished you could bump into just one radioactive spider in the hopes that it may decide to bite you and grant you the same amazing powers? Mom and dad would warn you that this was a bad idea; that a bite from a radioactive spider would not grant you any super powers and it would most likely kill you, so you should just stay away from all spiders to be on the safe side. Regardless of these warnings, you would still pick up every spider you saw, because, who knows, you might just get lucky.
He got luckyPoint is, kids are more likely to pay attention to and remember things they learned from TV or saw in a video game because that's just how kids are. With that in mind, here are five life lessons I learned from playing Pokemon.
Parents always warn their kids these days about wandering off by themselves because they are afraid that the child will get hurt or kidnapped or something like that. Pokemon goes out of it's way to prove that these parents are just being Nervous Nancies.
Every Pokemon adventure begins with the hero (a ten-year old child) choosing a pokemon as a pet and then being thrust out into the wilderness alone to begin their journey of becoming the best pokemon collector in the world. This game taught me that with only the aid of a small animal, any unaccompanied minor is perfectly capable of surviving in a world inhabited with all sorts of wild beasts that wouldn't even think twice before shredding you to pieces. The game went further to demonstrate that all children are born with the ability to find their own food, walk incredibly long distances without water or sleep, and even defuse any threat they may encounter, whether it be traversing a deep river without a boat, or fending off the neighborhood street gang. The only reason today's kids don't do these things is because they are lazy.
"Kids these days disgust me."4. Your pets can survive in stuffy, extremely cramped enclosures.
Have you ever seen those dog food commercials that show each dog happily frolicking through an open field or meadow and think that your dog may require the same space and occasional exercise? Well, if Pokemon has taught me anything it's that those commercials are completely untrue.
What are you supposed to do with all those pokemon you capture? Send them to live on a farm somewhere? Of course not. You are supposed to keep them in tiny, air-free enclosures no bigger than a softball which will no doubt stunt their growth and cause them extreme depression and anxiety. Also, you can only release them from their prisons when you need them to go to war against some other pokemon for reasons they are never made aware of. The best way to show your pet that you love them is by keeping them locked up in a tiny space for 23 hours a day, wallowing in their own filth, since you don't even let them out to use the bathroom.
Actually a lot more cozy than it looks3. Cockfighting is fun!
Pokemon has taught me that all the bad things I have ever been told about cockfighting is a silly over-exaggeration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple of innocent creatures, harboring no preexisting issues with each other, being forced to tear into each other for our amusement. In fact, it's a good way to settle a debate.
Pictured: A Pokemon debateIn the world of Pokemon, every issue you have with another human being is settled the same way: Let the pokemon duke it out. I mean, why should the people have to get their hands dirty when there are some perfectly good pokemon available that can do it for us? Rightly or wrongly, the winner of every issue is always decided by the person with the bigger and stronger pokemon. Just the way God intended.
2. Killing is bad!
Finally, a lesson that our parents and Pokemon can agree on. You should never, ever, under any circumstances, kill any living person or thing. Life is sacred and murder will not be tolerated; however, beating your enemy into unconsciousness is perfectly acceptable.
We all know that there is only one way for a pokemon battle to end and it certainly isn't with a hearty handshake. A victor can only be declared once a pokemon has taken such a merciless beating that not only can it no longer fight, it must also be knocked out cold. Afterward, to add insult to injury, as a prize for reducing the other trainer's pokemon to a motionless pile of pulp, you have the right to rummage through their possessions and claim what ever catches your eye.
"Aww, how cute! I just want to beat him senseless!"Now if that isn't a philosophy Americans can embrace then I don't know what is.
1. Do whatever it takes to be popular.
And here is what I believe to be the ulimate lesson I learned from all my hours of playing Pokemon as a child. To go above and beyond the normal duties of a ten-year old to become the coolest, most popular kid in all the land.
Why do you, as the pokemon trainer, go through all the things you do during the game? What is the ultimate goal? Is it to become the best trainer in the world? Not really. Is it to have the best, most impressive pokemon collection ever? No, but you're getting warmer.
The real reason you leave home by yourself at age ten, walk hundreds of miles through the dangerous wilderness, fight off wild animals and other pokemon trainers, spelunk through caves and wade across rivers, before finally doing battle with the top trainers in the world, is to make people like you. Your ultimate goal to have people look up to you and strive to accomplish what you've accomplished. And what do you do once you make it to the summit of the Pokemon world? What is left to accomplish once you've toppled everything that has stood in your way? Nothing really. You sort of just walk around and allow people to gawk at you in all your awesomeness.
Was it all worth it? He certainly thinks so.So remember kids - if you live your lives according to the guidelines handed down by every Pokemon game and ignore the teachings of your parents or guardians, you will be just fine.
"Any questions?"
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