mytakeongaming

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Simpsons: Arcade Game

Is there anyone who has ever been to an arcade and did not immediately fall in love with The Simpsons: The Arcade Game? There is just something so endearing and entertaining about the game that I specifically seek it out every time I visit an arcade. I actually feel that an arcade is not worth its weight in salt if it does not house The Simpsons: The Arcade Game.

The first time I ever played this game was at Pizza Hut in either 1994 or 1995. I remember I used to beg my parents to take me there at least once a week for a personal pie and some quality time with The Simpsons. I wasn't the only child who felt this way as there was always a line of kids waiting their turn to play the game and my pizza was usually a cold pizza brick by the time I got back to my table. On more than one occasion I totally neglecting my pizza in favor of a few more minutes of the game.

The Simpsons: The Arcade Game is a classic beat-em up that can be categorized as a button-masher. Being an arcade game, there were only two buttons - Jump and Attack - and one joystick for movement. The game play is incredibly simple as it consists of nudging your joystick towards and enemy and pounding away on the Attack button. The game is playable for up to four players and offers you the option of playing as either Homer, Marge, Bart, or Lisa (though I don't think I've ever used a character other than Bart. Bart was my childhood hero). Each character is equipped with their own unique fighting style - Homer is unarmed and uses his fists to do the talking, Marge wields a vacuum cleaner like a club, Bart thrashes enemies with his skateboard, and Lisa goes all Indiana Jones on baddies by using her jump rope as a whip. (Something I always wondered: exactly how strong is Marge? Is she some sort of superhero? Seems to me it would take quite a bit of strength to use a vacuum cleaner as a flogging device.)

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's . . . Marge Simpson?

The plot behind The Simpsons: The Arcade is so ridiculous that one can't help but appreciate it. The story goes that Mr. Burns' lap-dog Mr. Smithers has stolen a large diamond from one of Springfield's jewelry retailers and is on his was back to Mr. Burn's mansion when he bumps into Homer Simpson on the street. The collision is so jarring that Mr. Smithers drops the diamond and it lands near baby Maggie. Thinking the diamond is her pacifier, Maggie picks it up and puts it in her mouth. Smithers then does what any logical human being would do in that situation and kidnaps Maggie. The game begins with the Simpson family in hot pursuit of Mr. Smithers, battling a hoard of Mr. Burns' minions along the way. Now, the astute reader may have some questions regarding this storyline. In no particular order: Why would Mr. Burns have to steal a diamond when he is the richest man in Springfield? What would Springfield's richest, most elderly resident need with such a large diamond? Why would Smithers snatch up Maggie instead of simply grabbing the diamond back from her? Was it really necessary to add kidnapping to a laundry list of felonies? The quesitons are seemingly endless, and while they are all good questions, I'm afraid they are better left unanswered.

The player has to work his or her way through several levels that are designed in the mold of recognizable Simpsons locations. You fight your way through Downtown Springfield, do battle in Krustyland, pummel some enemies in Moe's Tavern, before finally reaching the Springfield Power Plant and facing off against Smithers and, ultimately, Mr. Burns himself.

Oh yeah, and Mr. Burns rides around in a plutonium-powered mini tank.

Each level is concluded with a boss battle against a character or two who played minor roles in a few television episodes. My favorite boss fight takes place at the end of level 6 (Dreamland), and it pits the Simpsons family against one of Homer's bowling balls that has grown arms and come to life. This battle endears itself to me because of the sheer lunacy involved.

All the bosses have a high number of hit points and are difficult enough that you are almost gauranteed to be killed once or twice before defeating them. Also, each level is chock full of enemies employed by Mr. Burns to make your rescue mission a little bit harder. His hired guns are all pretty easy to defeat, three or four hits usually do the trick, but there are a few of them that can be a pain in the neck. One example were the guys in suits who wore bowler hats and used the hats as a projectile weapon, a la Oddjob of 007 fame. I hated these guys because their stupid hats were tough to dodge being that you couldn't jump over them and it took a surprising number of hits to kill them.

The Simpsons: The Arcade Game has withstood the test of time and stands as one of the best arcade games you can find. This is one of the rare arcade games that people will actually stand in line to play. I don't think I've ever seen this game in an arcade and didn't stop by to play a bit. The impulse to pop a few quarters into the machine and have a good time is just too strong and I can never just walk on by.

"I am your master now. Your resistance is futile."

The replay value is extremely high as its game play is entertaining regardless of how many times you've played it. There is just something about the childlike simplicity of the game that makes it so addictive. While playing the game solo is a blast, I always try to get a few buddies to hop along side me and join in on the action.

But they can't use Bart. Bart's mine.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Shaq Fu - Worst. Game. Ever.

Hello. This entry requires no preamble or introduction. I am just going to get straight to the point. Shaq Fu (seriously, that's what it's called) is easily the worst game I have ever attempted to play. In fact, this game is so bad that I actually stopped speaking to the friend who first recommended it to me way back in third grade.

Seriously? *sigh*

It should be obvious to anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to experience one of Shaquille O'Neal's non-basketball related ventures that he should no longer be allowed to take part in anything that takes place outside of a basketball arena. It seems that everything he does removed from the basketball court turns out to be as unbelievably horrible as humanly possible. His movies (I'm looking at you, Kazaam), his rap songs, and his martial arts-themed video game are all so bad that it wouldn't shock me to find out that some poor victims required intensive amounts of therapy after witnessing one of these tragedies.

Pictured: Shaq's biggest fan.

I was shocked to find out that Shaq Fu actually has a storyline. I had always just assumed that one day Shaq was playing Street Fighter and thought to himself, "Hey, I've accomplished everything I needed to on a basketball court. Time to take what I've learned in the NBA and put it towards something I can really get into . . . like 2-D martial arts!" Against all odds, he actually managed to find a company willing to make his dreams a reality. Enter Delfine Software International, the one company stupid enough to actually believe that a fighting game set in feudal Japan, starring NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal, would be a good idea.

How could it fail?

Fortunately for the gaming public as a whole, Delfine Software International would go backrupt shortly after Shaq Fu's release, sparing gamers anymore unwarranted torment.

Here's a quick summary of Shaq Fu's ridiculous storyline: Shaquillle O'Neal is on his way to charity basketball event in Japan when he decides to make a pit stop at a local kung-fu dojo, presumably to use the bathroom. It is here that Shaq stumbles upon a rip in the space-time continuum (note: this is speculation) and is transported to an alternate reality where he learns that he is the hero spoken of in local legends. Still with me? Ok. Once there, Shaq is handed the responsibility of rescuing an unfortunate young boy who, on top of having been kidnapped by an evil mummy, is now burdened with the misfortune of having to rely on Shaq as his only means of survival. You play as Shaq and have to battle assorted enemies along your quest in a few very Street Fighter-esque fight scenes. Eventually you defeat the evil mummy, rescue the little boy, and somehow find your way back to the real world. Whether or not you make it to the charity event in time is still open for debate. So, that's the game in a nutshell. There's actually slightly more to it than that, but that's all the synopsis I have patience for. If for some reason you want the complete story behind Shaq Fu (but my God, why would you?) then I encourage you to check out http://www.netjak.com/review.php/376, which provides you with all the eye-rolling, nausea-inducing details you can handle.

If I may play devil's advocate for a second, I must point out that there have been games with ridiculous storylines in the past that have gone on to become great because of their excellent gameplay. For instance, consider for a second the storyline behind Super Mario Bros : An Italian plumber rescues a princess from the dinosaur king with the help of magic mushrooms and some super flowers. With a storyline like that, one would be inclined to believe the game's creators had the help of some magic mushrooms of their own when coming up with that one. Well, despite all the silliness, Mario has gone on to be the most easily recognized video game character on Earth simply because of how much fun the games are to play. With this in mind, let me say that Shaq Fu is not one of these games.

If you've ever made it to this level that means you had no other games to play because your parents hated you.

For starters, the fighting controls are absolutely horrendous. It is nearly impossible to pull off the difficult button sequences necessary to perform any real fighting moves, so you are basically stuck throwing simple punches and kicks, which do nearly no damage and are extremely challenging to actually land on your opponent. Also, I have no idea how to block in this game. There are supposed to be two blocking modes you can utilize, one for physical attacks, and one for projectile attacks, but I have never seen them. If you find out how to pull off either one of them, be sure to let me know. Next up is jumping. Your jumps are awkward and impossible to control. Once you make Shaq leave his feet he is doomed to jump the same height and distance every time, so you can forget about performing any sort of planned aerial attack. The only way to land a jump kick is by being lucky enough to have your opponent stupidly walk into it.

I'm not embarrassed to say that I have never won a fight in Shaq Fu. I actually hope I never meet anybody who has played this game long enough to get good at it, because someone like that is obviously very mentally unstable. Yep, that's right, Shaq Fu is so bad it diminishes your mental capacity.

See? Says so right on the box.

In closing, I hope you consider this as a sort of public service announcement. Seriously, please do not expose yourself or anyone you love to the gaming travesty that is Shaq Fu. This game should be considered a crime against humanity. You know what? To be on the safe side, let's just pretend this whole thing never happened. Do yourself a favor and wipe all memory of this game from your mind. I'm sorry I even brought it up.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Reliving Star Fox 64

Pictured left to right: Peppy Hare, Slippy Toad, Fox McCloud, Falco Lombardi

Star Fox 64 was one of those games that I absolutely needed to buy the day it came out. To this day I remember how excited I would get just watching the commercials for the game in the weeks prior to its release.

Star Fox 64 was introduced in July of 1997 and up to that point I had only owned one other game for Nintendo 64 and that was Super Mario 64. (This post is only in its second paragraph and I'm already getting annoyed with writing '64' after every game title I reference. Was it necessary that every game for the N64 include the number 64 in the name?) Anyway, I received the N64 as a gift from my parents in April of '97 for my tenth birthday and Mario come packaged with the system. I was so into this new Mario game that I found no reason to purchase any others. I was happy with just the one.

Then came the day that one of my after-school cartoons was interrupted by this commercial:

I knew instantly I had to have this game. I mean, did you see the kid in that commercial? He was driven insane by the overwhelming awesomeness the game offered. In fact, the game was obviously so intense that the kid couldn't even turn the game on without first being strapped into his chair and equipped with a pair of aviation goggles as if he were engaging in an astronaut G-force simulation. The commercial promised loads of fast-paced action, aerial acrobatics, exploding robots, and even something called the "rumble pack." That was all I needed. I didn't even care what a rumble pack was, I just knew that I needed to get my hands on one. I wanted this game so badly that I would have gladly sold one of my little brothers to the circus if that would have guaranteed me an advanced copy of this game. (Who am I kidding? I would have gladly sold one of my little brothers to the circus for half a bologna sandwich.)

It only took a few minutes of playing Star Fox 64 for it to become one of my all-time favorites.

Storyline:

The game takes place in a galaxy known as the Lylat System and you control Fox McCloud, the leader of Team Star Fox. Team Star Fox consists of Fox, Peppy Hare, Falco Lombardi, and Slippy Toad. An evil being known as Andross has been banished to a distant planet in the galaxy known as Venom and the game begins with Team Star Fox being dispatched across the Lylat System to see what Andross is up to. Keep in mind, prior to the events in Star Fox 64, Andross was responsible for the death of Fox's father, James McCloud, so we can reasonably assume that Fox holds a bit of a grudge against him.

Yes, Andross is just a giant floating head. Actually, he has hands too, but you blow those up.

Over the course of the game you (as Fox) are responsible for piloting aircrafts, driving tanks, and navigating submarines as you make your way across the galaxy toward Venom. The levels are full of all sorts of different enemy crafts to destroy and each level always concludes with a difficult, yet satisfying boss battle. The game is not rigidly linear so your score and course of action during each level decides which route across the galaxy you will take. Lower scores put you along easier paths while higher scores send you to more difficult levels.

Along the way you must occasionally do battle with the rival Star Wolf Team. Besides being a complete rip-off of Fox's team, Team Star Wolf serves Andross and does whatever it can to make your journey just a little more difficult. When you finally manage to reach Venom you have to fight through a few more waves of enemies before you reach Andross. The final battle with Andross has several different versions available and the one that you fight depends on which paths you took during the game to get there. If you took the easy path the whole way you will fight an Andross imposter. After he is defeated the credits will roll and you will hear Andross' omnimous laughter in the background, indicating that you have not really beat the game. It is then necessary to start from level one and try to work your way across the galaxy along the more difficults paths in order to reach the real final battle.

Gameplay:

You start the game with a basic weapon system that can be enhanced by picking up various upgrades scattered throughout the levels. Finding two upgrades boosts you from a weak single laser to a much stronger dual laser, both of which can be charged up to unleash a more powerful homing attack. Also available are Smart Bombs, which are missiles that can lock onto your enemy and be remotely detonated.

Star Fox 64 is a ton of fun regardless of which course of action you choose to take. The weapon schemes are simple enough to master early on so you waste less time learning and more time actually playing. The levels in the game are all incredibly detailed and gorgeous to look at, especially by the standards of its time. Each boss fight is relatively the same in concept - find the boss' weakness and blast the hell out of it - but they are all uniquely entertaining, whether it be because of their interesting attack patterns or simply because of their humorous dialogue. Speaking of the dialogue, that was one of the very pleasant surprises I got when I first played this game. Not only did the game display text while the characters spoke, the lines were actually voiced by real actors. This was the first game I ever played that offered this experience. Instead of having to take your eyes off the action to read Peppy's advice on doing a barrel roll, you would have the pleasure of actually hearing him berate you.

'Do a barrel roll' was easily my favorite quote as a kid.

While I truly loved this game and still consider it to be one of my favorites, I would be doing you a disservice if I failed to point out one area of the game that I found pretty weak.

As the leader of Team Star Fox, I understand that I am responsible for the safety and well-being of my team and all that jazz, but good lord, could Slippy Toad be a bigger pain in the neck? He can't stay out of trouble for more than 5 seconds. He needs to be rescued from something like ten times every level. For God's sake, I'm his leader, not his freakin' babysitter. All this guy does is cry and whine about being in trouble. You can't get two minutes into a level without him calling out for help. And the worst thing is, most of the time it is his own fault! He is constantly flying off on his own to prove his value to the team, only to next be seen flying around wildly, frantically screaming for help.

He can't even pose for pictures without running from something.

Not only was he always in need of saving, he was also completely useless as a teammate. The point of the game is simple enough - destroy the enemy war crafts - and he fails miserably at this. And what's worse than him not killing any bad guys is that in the rare instances he actually does manage to take one down, he never fails to make sure that you know it. Here I am wiping out 200 bad guys per level, modestly going about my business, and there's Slippy, haphazardly flying in my way, bragging every time he's lucky enough to find an enemy who's an even worse pilot than he is.

It would usually get to the point where I would kill him myself at the beginning of the level to put him out of his misery and get him out of my hair. I actually found him to be a bigger nuisance than the guys who were trying to kill me.

Verdict:

On the whole, Star Fox 64 rocks my socks. I loved the game as a kid and I still love it to this day. There's no doubt in my mind that this game is one of the classics, and may be one of the best games ever released for any Nintendo console. In fact, if you don't love Star Fox 64 then I don't think we can be friends anymore.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Five Things I Learned From Playing Pokemon

As kids, if it came down to doing something our parents told us to do because it was good for us, or to do something our friends said to do because it was cool, we would unwaveringly listen to our friends. The same goes for what we saw on TV or in video games. Remember how Spider-man got his super powers when he was bit by a radioactive spider? And remember how you wished you could bump into just one radioactive spider in the hopes that it may decide to bite you and grant you the same amazing powers? Mom and dad would warn you that this was a bad idea; that a bite from a radioactive spider would not grant you any super powers and it would most likely kill you, so you should just stay away from all spiders to be on the safe side. Regardless of these warnings, you would still pick up every spider you saw, because, who knows, you might just get lucky.

He got lucky

Point is, kids are more likely to pay attention to and remember things they learned from TV or saw in a video game because that's just how kids are. With that in mind, here are five life lessons I learned from playing Pokemon.

5. Parental supervision is overrated.
Parents always warn their kids these days about wandering off by themselves because they are afraid that the child will get hurt or kidnapped or something like that. Pokemon goes out of it's way to prove that these parents are just being Nervous Nancies.

Every Pokemon adventure begins with the hero (a ten-year old child) choosing a pokemon as a pet and then being thrust out into the wilderness alone to begin their journey of becoming the best pokemon collector in the world. This game taught me that with only the aid of a small animal, any unaccompanied minor is perfectly capable of surviving in a world inhabited with all sorts of wild beasts that wouldn't even think twice before shredding you to pieces. The game went further to demonstrate that all children are born with the ability to find their own food, walk incredibly long distances without water or sleep, and even defuse any threat they may encounter, whether it be traversing a deep river without a boat, or fending off the neighborhood street gang. The only reason today's kids don't do these things is because they are lazy.

"Kids these days disgust me."

4. Your pets can survive in stuffy, extremely cramped enclosures.
Have you ever seen those dog food commercials that show each dog happily frolicking through an open field or meadow and think that your dog may require the same space and occasional exercise? Well, if Pokemon has taught me anything it's that those commercials are completely untrue.

What are you supposed to do with all those pokemon you capture? Send them to live on a farm somewhere? Of course not. You are supposed to keep them in tiny, air-free enclosures no bigger than a softball which will no doubt stunt their growth and cause them extreme depression and anxiety. Also, you can only release them from their prisons when you need them to go to war against some other pokemon for reasons they are never made aware of. The best way to show your pet that you love them is by keeping them locked up in a tiny space for 23 hours a day, wallowing in their own filth, since you don't even let them out to use the bathroom.

Actually a lot more cozy than it looks

3. Cockfighting is fun!
Pokemon has taught me that all the bad things I have ever been told about cockfighting is a silly over-exaggeration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple of innocent creatures, harboring no preexisting issues with each other, being forced to tear into each other for our amusement. In fact, it's a good way to settle a debate.

Pictured: A Pokemon debate

In the world of Pokemon, every issue you have with another human being is settled the same way: Let the pokemon duke it out. I mean, why should the people have to get their hands dirty when there are some perfectly good pokemon available that can do it for us? Rightly or wrongly, the winner of every issue is always decided by the person with the bigger and stronger pokemon. Just the way God intended.

2. Killing is bad!
Finally, a lesson that our parents and Pokemon can agree on. You should never, ever, under any circumstances, kill any living person or thing. Life is sacred and murder will not be tolerated; however, beating your enemy into unconsciousness is perfectly acceptable.

We all know that there is only one way for a pokemon battle to end and it certainly isn't with a hearty handshake. A victor can only be declared once a pokemon has taken such a merciless beating that not only can it no longer fight, it must also be knocked out cold. Afterward, to add insult to injury, as a prize for reducing the other trainer's pokemon to a motionless pile of pulp, you have the right to rummage through their possessions and claim what ever catches your eye.

"Aww, how cute! I just want to beat him senseless!"

Now if that isn't a philosophy Americans can embrace then I don't know what is.

1. Do whatever it takes to be popular.
And here is what I believe to be the ulimate lesson I learned from all my hours of playing Pokemon as a child. To go above and beyond the normal duties of a ten-year old to become the coolest, most popular kid in all the land.

Why do you, as the pokemon trainer, go through all the things you do during the game? What is the ultimate goal? Is it to become the best trainer in the world? Not really. Is it to have the best, most impressive pokemon collection ever? No, but you're getting warmer.

The real reason you leave home by yourself at age ten, walk hundreds of miles through the dangerous wilderness, fight off wild animals and other pokemon trainers, spelunk through caves and wade across rivers, before finally doing battle with the top trainers in the world, is to make people like you. Your ultimate goal to have people look up to you and strive to accomplish what you've accomplished. And what do you do once you make it to the summit of the Pokemon world? What is left to accomplish once you've toppled everything that has stood in your way? Nothing really. You sort of just walk around and allow people to gawk at you in all your awesomeness.

Was it all worth it? He certainly thinks so.

So remember kids - if you live your lives according to the guidelines handed down by every Pokemon game and ignore the teachings of your parents or guardians, you will be just fine.

"Any questions?"

Friday, February 20, 2009

Guitar Hero: Enough is Enough

*Talent not included

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am the only person alive who has refused to succumb to the pressure and join the Guitar Hero movement. I fail to comprehend what is so earth-shattering about these games that forces herds of people to flock to Best Buy and plunk down ~$30 every time a new version is released.

Every game is exactly the same. A rock song plays as several terrifying 3-d characters jump around in front of a fake audience while the player attempts to press color-coded buttons on his or her plastic guitar in time with the music. The number of notes that you have to "play" along with and the speed at which they appear depend on which level of difficulty you are playing on. The more you play, the better you get, and the more songs you unlock. Play enough to earn the right to call yourself a "Guitar Hero."

He has certainly earned that right

This is where my real problems with these games begin. The game play is just so limited and repetitive. Nothing has changed in the four years since Harmonix released the original Guitar Hero, yet people continue to snatch up every version that is churned out. The marketing companies want you to believe that you are buying a new, more satisfying game because this one is Aerosmith-themed, or '80s-themed, or Metallica-themed, but in reality they are all still the same exact game.

Have you ever noticed that the notes never really match up with the song that is playing? The notes that you play for Mother would fit in just fine if you played them to Carry on Wayward Son. The songs are just window-dressing, there to make it seem like you are actually creating the music that you are hearing, when that is far from being the case. These games would work just as well without the music playing over them. The entertainment comes from being able to match up your fingers with the notes in the proper timing, which takes a good deal of hand-eye coordination, and not from actually believing you are a rock star.

Here's something else that bothers me. I know someone who bought Playstation 3 to play Guitar Hero III, even though he already owned the same game for Playstation 2. I asked him why he would waste his money like that and he told me it was because the graphics are better on PS3. I nearly had a coronary.

If you want to defend Guitar Hero by insisting that each game is different than the last because of the new songs and playable characters that are available, that's fine. While I do not agree with that thinking, I can at least sort of understand it. I will not, however, pretend to understand how Guitar Hero's graphics can be used as a defense for purchasing the newest game.

Here are two screenshots for reference. The first picture is from the original Guitar Hero. The second is from Guitar Hero III.

They sure look similar to me. In fact, I could argue that the graphics were actually better in the original.

Last year Neversoft released Guitar Hero: World Tour, which upped the game play by making more instruments available for use. No longer was the individual guitar hero limited to just a guitar, they now also had access to a set of drums and a microphone. Now that may sound awesome, but even that is a recycled gaming concept. Doesn't the addition of drums and a microphone make Guitar Hero eerily similar to a game that was released in 2007 by Guitar Hero's original developer, Harmonix? Rock Band anyone?

If you can spot the difference between these games I will give you a dollar

Let's recap: Guitar Hero is released in 2005 by Harmonix. People love it so much that Harmonix re-releases the same game with a different name a year later, but this time makes it also available for the Xbox 360. The following year Neversoft takes over as developer and releases Guitar Hero III. This isn't enough for the guitar heroes of the world so the company decides to re-release the same game, but this time has it only contain songs from select artists (Aerosmith and Metallica). Rock Band is released in 2007, offering more variations in game play by introducing additional instruments. Neversoft sees potential in this concept, so the company decides to ride Harmonix's coattails by introducing Guitar Hero: World Tour, which is identical to Rock Band in every way except for the name on the box. I won't even bore by you bringing up all the versions of Guitar Hero that were released for the PC and portable devices. Enough is enough already.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't dislike the concept of Guitar Hero. While I personally don't like playing the games, I know plenty of people who do and I'm not going to try and stop them. What does bother me though is how Neversoft and the other developers constantly take old games, polish them up, tweak them ever-so-slightly, stuff them in a box with a pretty, new cover, and people actually run out to buy them. I think it's about time that the gaming public realizes it is being duped and it has to stop storming Best Buy every time another version of Guitar Hero is released. Save your money and just stick to the original Guitar Hero.

One day you'll thank me.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Underrated Game - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Can anyone explain to me why The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time receives so much love from gamers when discussing the best Zelda games of all-time, yet Majora's Mask gets barely a mention? What does OoT have that Majora's Mask doesn't? To me, they both offer lengthy, awe-inspiring gameplay, intelligent and exciting storylines, and everybody's favorite pointy-eared hero equipped with his trusty Master Sword. Sure, Ganandorf and Zelda fail to make an appearance, but is that really so bad? They could use the break.

The story behind Majora's Mask centers around a mysterious figure known as the Skull Kid who stumbles upon a mask which grants the wearer incredible powers, but also puts them under a spell which forces them to do the mask's evil bidding. While wearing the mask, Skull Kid causes all kinds of mischief including stealing Link's Ocarina of Time, turning Link into a living flower known as a Deku Scrub, and sending the moon on a collision course with earth.

Skull Kid: Kind of a jerk.

As you can imagine, none of this sits right with our hero and it is up to him to get back the Ocarina, regain his human form, defeat Skull Kid, and rescue four legendary giants in hopes they can stop the moon from wiping out all life on the planet.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

The reason that I love Majora's Mask is that this game offers us all the things we love about the Zelda franchise - the dungeons, puzzles, weapon power-ups, and larger-than-life bosses - and also cranks the energy up a notch by introducing a new feature that I found very appealing: the capability to earn new skills by collecting different masks hidden throughout the game. Each mask that you discover adds a new ability or power-up to Link's arsenal. For instance, the Zora mask allows Link to breathe underwater and dual-wield a pair of boomerang-like blades; the bunny hood allows Link to run faster and jump higher; and the Goron Mask transforms Link into a large beast with incredible strength.

As you make your way through the game you have to be aware of the clock that is counting down on the bottom of the screen, as you only have 3 days (in game-time, which is actually a lot less than that in actual time) to complete your missions. If you run out of time before completing everything you need to you get a front row seat to the Armageddon.

Time's up.

This minor problem can be counteracted by playing The Song of Time on the ocarina, which turns back the clock to the first hour of the first day, awarding you another 3 days to complete your quest. While this may seem like an unnecessary annoyance, I promise you that it only serves to add an exciting new component to the game-play which is easy to get used to.

Another thing that makes Majora's Mask stand out from the other Legend of Zelda games is the way it strays from the normal Zelda storyline and seems to be more of a spin-off of Ocarina of Time than an actual sequel.

Here's a simple rundown of every other Legend of Zelda game:

1. Bad Guy threatens to take over the world.

2. An ancient legend chooses a Lone Orphan from humble beginnings to save the world.

3. Lone orphan finds the Master Sword.

4. Bad Guy and Lone Orphan face off in a climactic battle.

Oh, we have to battle Ganondorf? Yeah, that's original.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love The Legend of Zelda and I realize those 4 storyline cliches are the ingredients to a successful game, but in my opinion Majora's Mask offers a better, more satisfying gaming experience because it dares to be different and doesn't care whether you like it or not. Keep running out of time? Tough cookies. Can't find all the masks? Majora's Mask doesn't want to hear about.

"Tell it to someone who cares."

After you traverse through the four dungeons and rescue the four ancient giants, you are able to summon them forth with your ocarina. As luck would have it, they make it to the scene just in time to pluck the moon from the sky just as it reaches the earth, foiling Skull Kid's evil plan and saving the earth from a nasty demise.

"I'm sure glad I called those guys."

With the moon situation taken care of Link is now free to face off with the Skull Kid for the game's final showdown.

It is possible to beat this game without collecting all the masks, but I wouldn't recommend trying it. If you take on the Skull Kid without the aid of all the masks you are doing yourself a major disservice. Why do I say that, you ask? Well, I say this because after you collect every mask in the game you are given the opportunity to trade them all in for one called the Fierce Deity Mask. The Fierce Deity Mask is quite simply the sweetest item ever invented for a video game. This mask transforms Link in a lean, mean, death-dealin' machine. In fact, this mask makes Link so powerful that you could literally beat Skull Kid by closing your eyes and simply pressing the A button repeatedly.

Fierce Diety Link will stomp your face.

All in all, I would have to say Majora's Mask ranks up there as my favorite Legend of Zelda game, with The Twilight Princess for the Wii in a very close second. In fact, I wish they would remake Majora's Mask and release it for the Wii. It would be so cool to control Fierce Deity Link or Goron Link with the Wii-mote. I think I'm going to write a letter to Nintendo and beg them to get started on that.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Contra III: Old School Shoot 'em Up

Contra III: The Alien Wars is the third installment of the popular Contra series and was the first to be released on the SNES. Like it's predecessors, Contra III is a side-scrolling shooter that relies heavily on its addictive, fast-paced game-play to keep the player entertained. The issues of a storyline and character development take a backseat to the thrills provided by rampaging through each level with your automatic machine gun and its unlimited supply of ammunition, blowing away anything unlucky enough to cross your path.

I loved this game as a kid because you could pop the catridge into your SNES and be blasting away at aliens in less than 30 seconds. There was no load time, no cut scenes, no tutorials; nothing that attempted to cut down on the action. You pressed start and immediately found yourself in the middle of a war of the worlds.

Sort of like this, but with machine guns.

Like I said, Contra III is a side-scrolling shooter, which basically means you move your character to the right until there are no more bad guys to kill. If you want to get technical about it, you could argue that you are in fact fighting to save humanity from the invading alien forces who, it would be safe to assume, are here to enslave mankind, destroy our cities, and generally be huge pains in the neck. In my opinion this storyline simply gets in the way of what the kids who are playing the game really want to do: Shoot guns and see things explode. That's it. They really don't need to be told why they must launch all these missiles, toss all these grenades, and set so many things on fire. They just want to be handed a bazooka and be told, "Go get 'em."

"Billy, we're shooting those guys because th-- Oh, nevermind. Have fun."

Now, the one strike that Contra III has against it (and this is true for the entire Contra franchise) is the game's insane level of difficulty. I have honestly never played a more entertaining and addictive, yet more mind-numbingly frustrating game in my entire life.

You start with three lives. That's it. And if you are hit just one time, in any part of your body, you die. Get hit three times and you have to start the level all over again. Now, I don't know if the game's creators intentionally made it so incredibly hard to beat, or if they simply underestimated the skill level of the game's target audience, but I have never even come close to beating this game. There are rumors out there that the game only has six levels, but I doubt anyone has ever seen them all. Personally, I usually run out of lives somewhere between the end of the level 1 and the middle of level 2. In fact, I have only seen pictures of the bosses for levels 2-6. The only boss I have ever faced and beaten is the turtle/alien/skeleton boss from level 1, and even he was no cake walk.

"If you think I'm tough, wait til you see the next boss. . .not like you ever will."

At one point during the first level the gamer is forced to climb over a flaming abyss, using what appears to be a set of monkey bars (like I said, the storyline is insignificant), while simultaneously fighting off an oncoming hoard of winged aliens. As a kid I always had a hard time timing my jumps to kill the invaders, avoid the leaping fireballs, and land unharmed on the small patch of safe ground. The idea that the game's creators expected us to be able to do all that, fight a few more waves of enemies, and then destroy a tank - which practically takes up the entire screen - with only a single machine gun, and all in just three lives, is laughable. And remember, that's just the first level.

Here's an example of what I mean:

As far as shooters go, Contra III is as good as it gets if you're simply looking to disengage yourself from reality and have some fun. This shoot 'em up presents its players with non-stop action to go along with some pretty impressive visuals and sounds (for its time anyway). It offers exactly what kids are looking for in a game, or at least what I was looking for.

Simply put, even though the game lacks any real storyline, is unbelievably frustrating, and even sometimes downright infuriating, it keeps people coming back for more. If you are looking for a game that will allow you to take a mental vacation while also guaranteeing to keep your pulse racing, this is definitely one you should check out.

Contra III's final boss . . . or so they say. No one knows for sure.